‘No Refunds’ Necessary With Comedian Doug Stanhope

While there isn’t anything funny about the state of this country, perhaps a funny man could turn it all around. Meet Doug Stanhope, a stand-up comedian who at one time planned on running in the next presidential election. And no, he didn’t get the idea from that corny movie starring Robin Williams.

“I’ve been talking about running for presidency since before the ’04 election,” says Stanhope. “I want to change the world, and I don’t want to do it by standing outside a Safeway with a petition so you can smoke in bars.”

One thing’s for sure: We’re all looking for big changes around these parts. Dried-up politicians haven’t been looking out for anyone’s interests while holding the big seats. Maybe it is time for a compassionate and well-lived man to take the reigns.

“I’m for leaving people the f*#k alone,” Stanhope says. “I’m for a lot of things. I’d start signing pardons by the thousands, by the millions. I’d end the drug war and pardon all non-violent drug offenders, as well as a whole s#*tload of other people on a case-by-case basis.”

The troubling thing about this platform is that it seems to usually take a bunch of false promises to get citizens to vote for you. Sincere notions tend to get dismissed, especially if they pertain to freeing convicts — or freeing drugs. And Stanhope certainly has a lot to say about that subject as well.

“I’m for the legalization of all drugs,” he declares. “Do you think that you own your own body?”

(If you’re not nodding right now, you’re probably not going to like what he has to say next.)

“Then why should you not be able to do whatever you like with it?” he continues. “You can tattoo it, pull a living vagrant that’s squatting in your uterus out of it, or throw trans fat down your throat, so why draw the line at drugs?”

Many of you may be thinking about the difference between trans fat and speedballs. It’s a pretty big difference. However, Stanhope is well prepared to argue his controversial point until it suddenly, strangely makes more sense.

“Out of all the people you know that drink on any level — socially or otherwise — a couple of people are going to turn into rummies, but the general public can do that sh*t,” he explains. “The same is true with most narcotics. They just don’t show you the ones who can handle themselves; they just show the ones who fall to the gutter. Those are the ones who sell better fear.”

Right about now is the time to explain where Stanhope is coming from. He grew up in Worchester, Massachusetts. For those of you who don’t know, it’s pronounced “wuss-ter” and there’s absolutely nothing to be found in the city that isn’t shady and downright depressing.

“I lived in Worchester until I was 18 and old enough to leave,” Stanhope says. “I don’t see how everyone [from there] didn’t. The people are so dreadful. I was glad when my dad died, because I never had to go back there.”

Though it may sound heartless, he’s just telling it like it is. That’s what’s most refreshing about Stanhope, whose latest comedy special, “No Refunds,” premiered on Showtime in August to rave reviews. Plenty of people probably think along the same lines, but he’s just the only one who has the balls to say it.

But hey, that’s just part of the job, right? If there are two things that all successful comedians come equipped with, they are balls and emotions. They seem gutsy onstage, beating themselves and everything else up with words. They’re also sensitive on a greater level, and they do all that’s humanly possible to be the ones taking the stabs in life. Eventually, the job itself becomes too much to take, and many of them decide to wrap up their balls and sensitivity and head into the next stage of life. For Stanhope, it sounds like he’s nearing that time.

“There’s a wide swath across the middle of the country that’s just bleak,” he says. “I just spent the last 13 days in Ohio. It’s just that same dismal, empty, gray. They get you in here, drop you off, and say, ‘Hey, make these people happy.’”

He pauses, heaves a sigh, and continues.

“I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to make these people laugh, because I don’t want them to come out of this low to see the high. It’s like giving a starving guy a really good meal when he’s just gonna go right back to starving… just let him die.”

That’s the Worchester mentality talking. It seems he’s never shed it. While being from the city definitely adds bite to his style, his intelligence is really the sharpest part about him. He’s so quick, it’s hard to believe he’s explored as many drugs as he openly admits to.

“Anchorage is one of my favorite places to perform, Stanhope says. “The people up there still party. Drugs are still popular. There are still people my age that I can go out and do ecstasy with. You start getting to 40, and you don’t have a lot of friends you can still do acid with, who are in your peer group.”

This isn’t admitted for shock value. Keep in mind, the man has actually considered running for president. So why does he admit to these things so openly, when they may jeopardize his hopes for a future in politics? It all comes down to another trademark Stanhope philosophy:

“Everyone should be revealing that kind of sh#t to everybody,” he responds. “It wouldn’t be frowned upon by the masses if it was as open as it is common. Anything that’s supposedly “wrong” on any level – if you went out and you took random cock on Saturday night because you were loaded and you weren’t gonna see the guy again because he’s from Australia and you banged him in a Best Western – it should be the first thing out of your mouth at work on Monday morning. There’s nothing wrong with it. More people would have less hang-ups about the sh*t they do that there’s nothing really wrong with.”

Maybe you agree with Stanhope completely. Why shouldn’t we be all for flinging our closets wide open and showing people who we really are? Just imagine the kinds of things that would be flying out of the mouths of politicians in office if they lived by this philosophy. They’d have plenty of stories that would put doing acid in Alaska to shame.

For more information on Doug Stanhope, be sure to visit his official website — DougStanhope.com.